One of the unfortunate, but inevitable elements of business is that you will deal with uncomfortable situations in some of your interactions with others.

What makes these situations so difficult? There is a book entitled "Difficult Conversations" written by a team of people associated with Harvard University. In this book the authors break down the anatomy of difficult conversations, and show us their component parts.

By understanding the conversations within a difficult conversation, you are better able to deal with it when the need for one arises.

Overview

Within a difficult conversation, there are three basic and different conversations. They are:

1. The “What Happened” Conversation
2. The “Feelings” Conversation
3. The “Identity” Conversation

If you can understand the dynamics of how you get caught in one (or more) of these three conversations, then a fourth conversation is available to you. It is a learning conversation.

The “What Happened” Conversation

When things go wrong, the usual place people go to sort things out is to what happened. This conversation has three components of its own.

• Who is right or what is the truth
• Who meant what – intentions
• Who is to blame

(a) Right or Truth: You spend a great deal of time trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong, and what is the “truth” about what happened. No matter what the other person has to say about it. Obviously they are wrong and you are right, as you are armed with the truth and they are either inaccurate or perhaps just plain lying …

Why do we argue? Deep down we believe that the problem is Them! They’re selfish. They are naïve. They are controlling. They are irrational. You name it, they probably are it. Everything except right!

Fundamentally there is a problematic assumption that you make. I am right and you are wrong. This causes endless grief. Conflict resolution is almost never about getting the facts straight.

Conflict resolution is almost never about getting the facts straight.

This cannot be overstated. Conflict resolution is almost never about getting the facts straight. It is not about what is true. It is about what is IMPORTANT.

Arguing without understanding is unpersuasive and ineffective. You need to stop arguing and explore each other’s stories. While you are busy thinking that they are the problem, they think YOU are the problem!

The better you understand the other party, the higher the chances you will be effective in stating (and having the other party understand) your side of the story.

End of Part 1  Part 2