Blame versus Contribution

Blame is about judgement. It is based in a “why” and fundamentally looks backward to the past. People are stuck when they blame. When blame is the goal, understanding is the casualty. Blame hinders problem solving, and can leave a bad system undiscovered.

Contribution, on the other hand, is about understanding. It is usually based in “what” type questions and looks forward, to discover ways to improve how situations like these might be avoided in the future.

There are three misconceptions about contribution.

1. “I should focus only on my contribution.” This is inaccurate. By understanding each person’s contribution to what happened, and all the relevant elements, you are better able to learn from a situation, and to deal with it more effectively.

2. “Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings.” This is also inaccurate. Don’t put aside your feelings. They are real and they are valid. Feelings are dealt with below. It is possible to have your feelings and still acknowledge what contributed to a situation. They are different from each other, though often related.

3. “Exploring contribution means blaming the victim.” Again, this is not true. Blame is the pinning of fault. Clarifying each party’s contribution is about understanding what happened at the level of observation and learning rather than at the level of attribution and judgments. They lie in two different arenas.

Four Hard to Spot “Contributions”

1. Avoiding – letting a problem go too long contributes to its size and the nature of many advanced situations.

2. Being unapproachable – no time to talk, dodging the topic, or perhaps just being shy can contribute to difficult situations.

3. Intersections – differences in people’s styles due to differences in background, culture, belief systems etc.

4. Problematic role assumptions – someone in a role they are not comfortable with, and acting inappropriate to the role (such as boss – demanding, spouse – nagging, parent – controlling)

While contributions are sometimes hard to see, it is worth the effort to discover them and learn what is present, other than the obvious, difficult situation.

Two Tools to Spot Contribution

Role reversal – by putting yourself into the other party’s shoes, it is often much easier to spot more contributing factors to conflict situations. This has proven very effective and is relatively easy to do, if you are open and willing to discover what the other person is really going through (or has gone through).

The observer’s insight – sometimes a third party who is not stuck within a conflict may shed some much needed light on a situation. This “outside” perspective may assist immeasurably in identifying contributions.

There are three things to accept about yourself. First, you will make mistakes. Second, your intentions are complex. Finally, you have contributed to the problem.

Safety Tip

During a difficult conversation, learn to regain your balance. Your awareness of this, combined with practice, will assist you to get better at it as you go. Let go of trying to control their reaction. By preparing for possible responses in advance, you may find that it is easier to deal with whatever shows up.

One thing you may want to try is something called a “Dickens.” Imagine that it is 3 months from now, or 10 years from now. What are the implications of the results of this conversation on the parties involved? This may allow you some perspective in the situation.

“What Happened” Summary

• Develop the “and” stance
• Look for what is important rather than what is “right” or “true”
• Don’t assume the other party’s intentions are bad, and don’t minimize the impact of your good intentions
• Look for the contributing factors in a situation rather than to fix blame

… Part 1   … Part 2