The “Feelings” Conversation

Difficult conversations are generally about feelings, yet people try to leave them out. Feelings matter. Often they are at the heart of difficult conversations. You try to take your feelings out of the conversation. This poses several problems:

1. Unexpressed feelings can leak into the conversation
2. Unexpressed feelings can burst into the conversation
3. Unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen
4. Unexpressed feelings take a toll on your self-esteem and on your relationships

Three Elements to Feelings

1. Sort out what your feelings are. There are often subtle rhythms to feelings. By taking the time to notice your own, you may find that the increased awareness serves you well as you clarify what is going on emotionally for you.

Explore your emotional footprint. How did your family express emotions? What was easily discussed? What was never discussed? What was your role within the family? . . . within the discussions? What is easy to discuss, and with whom today, and what is not so easy to discuss? With whom can you talk about emotional things?

Accept that feelings are normal and natural. We all have feelings. Whether or not you acknowledge them does not change whether or not they exist. They are there, nonetheless. By accepting them, you will be better able to deal with them as they arise.

Recognize that good people can have bad feelings. You tend to be far more charitable with yourself than with others. If you have a negative thought about another, you don’t automatically deem yourself as “a bad person.” Yet, if you perceive that someone else thinks ill of you (or of someone whom you respect,) that other person is bad. If you extended the same charity to others that you granted to yourselves, you would become much more tolerant of others, and probably get stuck in conflict less often.

Learn that your feelings are as important as theirs. Some people dismiss their own feelings, out of concern for others. Your feelings are important and so are theirs. By taking a balanced approach and including both your feelings, you will avoid having your feelings get in the way due to your avoidance or neglect.

2. Negotiate with your feelings. You label all your feelings as one rather than distinguishing the many feelings you are experiencing during a conflict situation.

Find the bundle of feelings behind the overall feeling – i.e. instead of just “angry,” what else do you feel? Hidden feelings are often left to block other emotions that may also be driving concerns within the conversation. By noticing what is going on (at all levels rather than just at the surface), you may be able to clarify more readily what the most important issues are, and be able to interact more effectively with what you feel.

Don’t treat feelings as gospel. Negotiate with them. Shift your perspective, get curious and ask yourself questions (what and how type questions).

3. Share your actual feeling, not attributions or judgments about the other person.

- Find the feelings lurking under attributions, judgments and accusations, and share these feelings (not the judgments).

- Use the urge to blame someone else (or yourself) as a clue to find important feelings that might be lurking.

- Don’t vent. Describe your feelings carefully. Frame the feelings back to the problem. Express the full spectrum of your feelings. Don’t evaluate, just share by saying, “I feel . . .”

- Acknowledging feelings increases the safety of the space.

- Remember: sometimes feelings are ALL that matter.

The “Feelings” Summary

• Have your feelings (or they will have you)
• Explore and recognize your feelings
• Negotiate with / unbundled your emotions
• Share your feelings, but don’t vent

… Part 1    … Part 2     … Part 3     …Part 5